Don't say you love me
by ALightInTheDark12
Summary: Don't say you love me, or 10 difficult times in Jay's relationship with Carlos, and the one time when, for the first time, Jay gave up. Song-shot. Jaylos. Jay's POV. Rating M for explicit content and language.


I had to give myself a break from my other story, _Welcome to my life_ , since this one-shot couldn't get out of my head, besides I'm obsessed with this new song and it was easier for me to build it in my imagination. Fav, follow or review, enjoy it, and don't hesitate to take a look at my other story, the previous ones, and what is gonna come :)

Song: Don't Say You Love Me - Fifth Harmony (/watch?v=juRPG-KAo_o)

* * *

 **Don't say you love me**

 _ **I**_

 _Don't say you miss me when you don't call_

 _And don't say you're hurting without the scars_

 _Don't promise me tonight without tomorrow too_

 _Don't say you love me unless you do_

I dodge a couple of flying discs as I run into the kill zone, I turn my head to see the clock to my right side, only twenty seconds remaining of the game. The flame of competitiveness ignites in me as sweat runs down my face, I go alternating my gaze between the goal of Sherwood Falcons and the ball I balance on my stick, my breathing is increasingly agitated as the cheers encourage me to keep going, to make a score. To win.

I wish Carlos hadn't quit the tourney team, he did very well, but I understand his motives, it was never something that pleased him at all, he was in it because I was in it, and he wanted to spend more time with me. He was very helpful, I didn't need to do a meticulous planning of the plays, we were just in sync, and now I have to use that synchrony with Chad and Ben, who run to my side, making space for me before I put the ball on the ground and hit it, making feints to finally score in the lower right corner.

"The Fighting Knights of Auradon Prep have won another championship! All thanks to their star player, Jay!".

The fireworks make me smile broadly, the cheerleaders, along with the band and the fans, are singing my name. I take off my helmet and hold it under my arm, the boys lift me on their shoulders and they give me a second most valuable player trophy, and I can't help it but gloat in my sporting glory, something in which I'm beginning to get used to.

I look at the bleachers to see Mal, Evie, and Freddie, jumping happily along with Ally, Lonnie, Jordan, and the rest, all in complete harmony with the rest of the people who are now part of our lives.

My smile clears off when I realize his absence, Carlos is nowhere to be seen, and I'm surprised because it's the first time he's absent in something important for me.

* * *

 _ **II**_

 _We've been close, but inconsistent_

 _You hold my heart at a safer distance, yeah_

 _You think words can ease the tension_

 _But you can't deny that something's missing_

Diego and I walk along the shore of the Enchanted Lake after our camp to celebrate our victory is up. Mal, Evie, Ben, and the others, are roasting sausages in the wood while they sing, Carlos preferred to sleep for a while after he helped with the tents and the fires even when he stumbled over what was not fixed to the ground; it's still happening to him.

"So, you and my cousin" he says, sitting on a fallen log, he picks up a rock and makes it bounce on the surface of the water four times.

"At this point I thought ya had understood everything, we've been dating for eight months" I sit next to him, taking another rock and throwing it, making it bounce seven times. I let the smile spread on my face, the smug smile.

The fireflies fly over the water and they flicker from time to time, some lights are extinguished when the fish jump up to eat them, they break the harmony of the surface and blur the reflection of the moon that rises above us.

"I wanna give aunt Cruella a little reason in that head of hers, she's not quite pleased with the idea either".

"She hates me" I say, sounding horribly honest.

"Can't deny it, though she actually hates everyone and everything" he throws another rock and then make movements with his shoulders, growling too, "those fucking tents were a nightmare, I'm too sore".

"Weak" I admit, flexing my arms.

"Fuck you" he punches me on the arm, then he places his head on my shoulder and yawns. "If I fall asleep…".

"I throw ya into the lake, got it".

"Fuck you again".

"Better get lost, Diego, I wanna talk to Jay alone".

We both turn our heads to the right, Carlos stands there, his arms crossed and a raised eyebrow; his countenance is not friendly at all. Diego does what he says without flinching, a strange thing if I think that he is bigger than him in every way. Before he goes he throws one last rock on the water, which bounces six times, and he stays with the others by the fire.

Carlos starts walking and I follow him with about five steps away, when we move away about a kilometer is when he decides to turn around and glare at me with the same look he threw a couple of minutes ago.

"He was flirting with you, and you were blind enough to believe him" he crosses his arms again.

"What the hell are ya talking about? Whether he was doing it or not he knows I'm not interested, we were actually talking about you before you showed up".

"Whatever, stay away from him" he nods toward the camp.

"I hope you realize how irrational you sound right now".

"You're a predator, he's one too, that's why the distance is better".

I'm speechless, surprised, when he uses that word to describe me, and it's not the first time someone uses it, I know it will not be the last time I hear it associated with me, but hearing it come out of his mouth is what makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable, not annoyed or anything similar, just uncomfortable.

"Well, thanks a lot, it's good to know that you think that about me".

"Jay, c'mon, you know I'm kidding" he stands in front of me with a smile on his face, the uneven ground helps him to kiss me without any problem, and I don't remember having tasted something as bitter in my life as when his lips touched mine. "Anyway, let's go back, I'm starving".

Again he takes the lead to walk, we find empty places by the fire and decide to roast marshmallows. Diego tries to talk with me by using his eyebrows, I lift my shoulders and let out a sigh, exhausted, but not physically.

Carlos curls up with me to sleep; I don't do it all night, because of his words and because, even when I asked him, he didn't give me a reason why he wasn't in the game, he just said he was busy… again.

* * *

 _ **III**_

 _I need a little bit more_

 _I need a little bit more_

 _You gotta know what it's like_

 _I know you been here before_

 _I've been waiting, I've been patient_

 _But I need a little bit more_

I rub my hands over my eyes, refusing to fall sleep, while my left cheek still punctures and all that side of my body is still lacerated, another thing that keeps me from falling asleep in the uncomfortable chair, the pain in my face and my ass.

"Jay!" Mal and Evie scream, I raise my head and they both rush towards me, I get up and they both hug me tightly, almost making me burst into tears if it weren't for the other people in the waiting room.

"What happened?" Evie asks, with her eyes red.

I swallow the lump in my throat and my heart stops when a resuscitation team runs like an exhalation in front of me, I stand up so fast that a few black dots dance in front of my eyes, and when they both put their hands on my shoulders for me to sit down again I shrug them off, I follow them only when I'm sure the defibrillator is in another room, and it really doesn't make me feel better that someone else is debating between life and death.

"Dad was driving, I was in the other seat, we were talking and out of nowhere another car appeared crashing against his door, then I woke up here".

"What happened to him?" Mal asks, sounding genuinely concerned.

"They told me he's stable, there was no one on the other car, although the racket of the exploding crystal and the impact of the metal don't let me believe it at all" I rub my hands between my legs, feeling weak. "What if dad…?".

"Shut your mouth, that will not happen".

"But what would happen if he dies?" the simple idea stirs my stomach.

"Easy, Jay" Evie puts her fingers under my chin and makes me look into her eyes. "Mr. Jafar is as stubborn as you, he won't let something like that to beat him".

The sound made by the hands of the clock on the opposite wall is getting on my nerves, every second makes me want to scream and run to the place where they have him under observation, but Evie and Mal's hands entwined with mine prevent me, that and that I still feel drowsy, we were supposed to go out for some hamburgers for dinner, now I have no appetite.

The receptionist and the nurses, who must be only two or three years older than me, look at me from time to time, not in the mood of wanting to flirt with me or something, rather they seem touched by how undone I must look, and we've been here a little more than half an hour. I was offered a soda and a chocolate ten minutes ago, I rejected them and they put them close if I change my mind.

I ask the girls for a minute, I walk slowly to the exit of the hospital and breathe deeply, purging my lungs of the smell of sterilized equipment and filling them with fresh air, which doesn't last long since I light up a cigarette. The tobacco doesn't reassure me, because the reassuring effect it's supposed to have is false, but it keeps me busy so I don't think about dad.

"I came as fast as I could" I barely finish taking the huff from the little tube of chemicals when Carlos's voice resounds to my right, not tired at all. I let the smoke out of my nose and he wrinkles his. "You know I hate that".

"Your mother smokes like a locomotive".

"Yeah, but you're not her".

I turn off my cigarette in a trash can and then he hugs me, I sink my face into his shoulder and let out a huge sigh, relieved to feel his body next to mine, seeing that he fulfills his promise to be with me for good and for bad once again. When we pull away I press a kiss on his forehead, he keeps his hands on my shoulders and looks at me in the eyes, twisting his mouth to the right.

"I was thinking while I was coming here that surely your dad pissed the wrong people off, that kind of accidents aren't usually a coincidence".

I don't have the opportunity to give him a piece of my mind because of what he has just said since the doctor who has given me reports of dad comes out the door, I move away from Carlos and the doctor tells me that dad is awake and alert, he has a broken arm and some cracks in the ribs, but that he will recover nicely.

Carlos stays with the girls and I go to see dad, while I walk I start to think that, if he was going to revictimize dad, it was better for him to not come.

* * *

 _ **IV**_

 _So don't say you miss me when you don't call_

 _And don't say you're hurting without the scars_

 _Don't promise me tonight without tomorrow too_

 _Don't say you love me unless you do, unless you do_

Evie is the kind of person willing to throw a party for any reason, either for the birthday of some acquaintance or simply because she has a spirit for one, and even if she's not in the mood she just needs a little pressure from others to make the text messages and the location to reach the guests.

Her house, as big as a castle, is crammed with guests, friends and mostly unknown people, the music resonates in such a way that the walls vibrate, there is alcohol and snacks with just a hand stretch, all distributing by a pair of guys who offered themselves to be something like waiters in exchange for her number, and they were stupid enough to believe it. Evie can get everything she wants by just wiggling her hips and shaking her hair, sweeten her tone of voice and stare at you in the eyes, so is how I wasn't even able to escape all her charms, but we were able to cope it and we ended up as good friends.

I walk between the crowd on the living room with a cup in my hand, I don't know what makes the mixture of drinks inside but I'm considerably drunk now, the world is spinning and I don't refrain from singing some songs and making ridiculous dances. In my walk there are exploring hands, they slip into my open shirt to touch me or to caress my crotch; the biggest provocation is CJ Hook, in her tight, provocative, red outfit, who dances against my waist. For a moment I put my free hand on her hips and I sink my nose in her neck, we move in synchrony from left to right but then she turns to look at me, I smile at her and continue walking, ignoring the boos of those people around us. I have Carlos.

Evie invited Harry, Uma and Gil, we're not friends even though we've known each other since we were kids, and it seems the party serves to lessen the harsh relationship we have since Uma and Mal are in a couch, Ben is knocked over her shoulder while they laugh at any stupidity and they hug, Gil, Evie and Doug are talking animatedly in a corner, and Harry in the middle of the backyard, he dances with Carlos and moves closer to speak in his ear, he laughs at his words and keeps dancing, when he turns around he looks at me and walks closer, he kisses me on the lips and hugs me; I don't stop looking at Harry, who has his gaze fixed on him.

* * *

 _ **V**_

 _How am I supposed to take it_

 _When weeks go by and I'm still waiting?_

 _I say I'm okay but I can't fake it, yeah_

 _Even when I try, yeah, something's missing_

Saturdays are the days when I don't have tourney practice and I let all my homework to pile up on a bunch on my bedroom's desk, which I'll end up doing a second before each class anyway; Carlos, following that, sets aside his inventions, chores, and homework that exceed mine by far, so that we can spend some time together in his house or we go somewhere out.

Today it's different, it should have been clear from the moment he opened the door and he didn't seem happy to see me, he didn't like the pizza choice we would eat, and the film he chose, _Train To Busan_ , goes half the way through, when he moves in his place again and again, he growls loudly and uses his phone, as he has done since the beginning of everything.

"Ain't you bored of doing the same every Saturday?" he asks, leaving the half-eaten slice on the table in front of us.

"This is new, you never complained" I say, surprised.

"It didn't seem boring to me before, now it does, this movie even more".

"You chose it".

"Or maybe the situation is what bores me" I do the same as him and I leave my slice to one side, I take my arm off his shoulders and move to the other end of the couch, I watch the TV while he just growls and crosses his arms. "Jay, that's not what I meant" he said wearily, as if he didn't want to remedy it.

"It's alright, Carlos, really, I'm fine, I'm actually fucking cheery by knowing that you're bored by spending time with me" I say, obviously lying, then I see him through my peripheral vision, he rolls his eyes and passes a hand through his face, which ends up in his hair.

"You know, you don't have to be so fucking sensitive at everything".

"Yeah, well, you don't have to be such a dick" and then I left his house.

* * *

 _ **VI**_

 _I need a little bit more_

 _I need a little bit more_

 _You gotta know what it's like_

 _I know you been here before_

 _I've been waiting, I've been patient_

 _But I need a little bit more_

The hot water falls on us while my pelvis gets slammed into his butt cheeks full of freckles, the grunts, the groans, the rudeness, the gasps, and the total ecstasy are surrounding us just like steam the does while we have fun in the shower. His body presses against the wall tiles as I push him lightly, I pull his hair tightly and he throws his head back, I take the skin off his neck with my teeth before biting and sucking an aimless road.

"More, Jay, more!" he moans, arching his back.

I place my hands on his waists to move faster and deeper, erratic to a certain point, then I slide my hand between his to take his dick and take him with me. He knows I prefer to see his face while we have sex, so I can see more clearly what he experiences when I'm inside him, but now that he turns his back on me I can see a couple of marks that I don't remember doing on him, like scratches on his shoulder blades and two hickeys on his back dimples.

"Fuck! Don't stop!" he likes me to be rough, he had told me so many times.

I grab him by the neck so he can move his head back, I press his lips against mine just when he lets out a deep growl against my face and his orgasm bursts out against the tiles, the feeling of how he gets narrow around me and to see his body shaking beneath me, to hear my name in one last moan and to see that his legs are faltering, makes me cum inside him, I cling to his hips when each shot touches his insides, I let out a growl against his face and recover my breathing, exhausted and astonished at the same time.

"That was… something else…" I gasp, breathing heavily and kissing along his spine until I bite the lobe of his ear. "I love you, Carlos".

"Yeah, me too".

We stand still while we both recover, I get out of him only when I lose my erection completely, the traces that accompany my exit slide down his thighs, the water takes care of cleaning everything while I place my hands on his waist, I slide them to his stomach and I draw patterns with the thumbs, I place my lips on his shoulder and he makes the head to the side, to give me space.

We continue with the shower, which doesn't take more than five minutes compared to the twenty when we were having fun, and he's the first to step out the bathroom in my room for a call on his phone, I stay under the water while my mind wanders in what just happened, and my body already misses his laughter when I turned him so that our half boners were touching in a hug.

With the door closed I couldn't hear what he was saying, now that I'm outside and with a towel around my waist, with my hair still too wet for my liking, I see that he's already dressed, right now he's knotting his boots and standing up, with a twisted smile on his face.

"Where are you going?" I ask, letting out a nervous laugh.

"Funny story, I was on my way to do some mom's errand when I decided to come here, now she asks where the hell is what she asked me to do".

"You're not serious" I lean back against the wall beside me, crossing my arms and arching my eyebrows because I just can't believe it.

"I am serious, I'd show you the record but I have to leave right now".

"What the…?" he doesn't let me finish since he kisses me on the lips, takes his favorite jacket and runs, I hear him go down the stairs at a hurried pace and the whip of the main door when he leaves the house.

I sit on the edge of my bed and let out a heavy sigh, I look at my feet while the drops of water still slip from my hair behind my back and get lost in the towel, reminding me to get it dry.

I can't deny that I would have liked a second round, a fourth round if possible, that he would spend the night here and go tomorrow morning to do whatever stupid thing that is important, but right now I would feel more in agreement with the truth, because there is no way in which he could postpone an errand from his psycho mother to come and have sex with me. There simply isn't.

* * *

 _ **VII**_

 _So don't say you miss me when you don't call_

 _Don't say you're hurting without the scars_

 _Don't promise me tonight without tomorrow too_

 _Don't say you love me unless you do, unless you do_

"Jay! Go and open the door for fucking once!" dad's voice mingles with the bell that rings over and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again, I make a loud stomps while I walk down the stairs, I turn on a pair of lights in my path until I open the main door, hating the wind blowing at three in the morning.

Immediately it opens up completely someone throws itself at me, my first instinct is to break them a leg, I'm not in the mood for a robbery when the sun hasn't even arouse, but I forget that first instinct when I hear the first sob, the thin arms that squeeze me, and the tears on my shoulder.

"Beelzebub d-died" he takes my tank top into his fist, I hold him from the back before he falls on his knees and he continues sobbing violently, as if he were going to stop breathing suddenly. "Jay… she w-was the best c-cat in the world, and now… n-now…" he drowns in his tears and hides his face in my hair, I put my chin on his shoulder and let out a sigh.

I comprehend that he reacts like that for his loss, Evie gave her to him in one of her stunning birthday parties when she was just a little kitten that only took three steps without falling, they quickly got together, and now she's gone. I really liked her, she used to jump in my lap when I was visiting their house, she loved when I scratched her between the ears and under her chin, she even purred for it.

I move back with short steps and let the door get closed behind him, I keep going back until we stay in the living room, in the dark and in the same two-seater couch, I hold his trembling figure firmly while his head rests on my chest, the warm tears keep streaming down his cheeks and the sobs don't stop at any time.

"I thought the vet said it was a minor infection".

"That's what he said, h-he also gave me h-her meds and he s-said that I should take her in a week f-for a check-up, but when I went to give h-her her dinner she was in a ball in her bed, I-I thought she slept but when I stroked her I-I noticed that h-her fur was cold and she d-didn't move… she had d-died long before that".

"Don't talk, just let it out".

I caress the width of his back with all my hand, I let out a sigh and the light of the moon that enters through the white curtains allows me to distinguish some movements he makes with the feet, there are even cars that go down the street at this time. I give him a kiss on the forehead, I immediately remember an occasion when I spent the night in his house and he had fallen asleep in this same way on a futon that he had adapted to the window of his room, Beelzebub jumped on and curled between us, and the next morning the three of us woke up right there.

I'm really going to miss that cat.

"She g-gave me a canary that she hunted this afternoon, she d-died thinking I'm still an i-idiot and that I can't feed m-myself.

"Maybe it was her way of thanking you for everything ya did for her".

"D-do you think she knew she was gonna die?".

"Probably, the animals know better when their time is coming".

I caress his hair while he sobs and mourns with words spoken in a low voice, saying that he should have been more aware of her, that he shouldn't have left her alone, that he should have let her be in his room, and that he should even have let her chase Dude down everywhere instead of forcing her to be sedentary.

"C-can I stay here t-tonight?" he raises his head and meets my gaze in the dark, I can see his glassy eyes and the tears that still come out of them, I caress his right cheekbone with my thumb, something that always makes him smile, and now he outlines the smallest smile which I had ever seen on his face. "I d-don't wanna go to my h-house, there are so many memories t-there, it'd be painful".

"Of course you can stay, and then we could make a funeral worthy of feline royalty, find a spot with trees and bury her in there, don't you think?".

"That's a great idea, Jay, and I know she'd like it too" he presses his forehead against mine, we both slowly close our eyelids and then his arms slide behind me, he places his chin on my shoulder and cries.

There have been times when he turns to me first, whether to have a shoulder to cry on, to let off some steam, or where to be when his mother is way too drunk, and I must leave everything aside for him. Does he do it too?

* * *

 _ **VIII**_

 _Don't say you love me unless you do_

 _Don't say you love me, don't say you love me_

 _Don't promise me tonight without tomorrow too_

 _Don't say you love me, unless you do, unless you do_

"Where the hell were you?" he asks me at the moment he opens the door of his house, I barely get up to the porch when I'm greeted by his angry voice and raised eyebrow. "Ya know very well what we do on Thursdays every two weeks, it's a miracle that my mother agrees for me to do it".

I like the study group that we form along with Mal, Evie, he and I, sometimes Ben and Doug join too, or whoever that asks Carlos for help so their school records don't go straight to shit, and he has helped me a lot, but right now is what I least want to hear, I want to focus on other things that get my attention.

"Doing research about Dragon Hall's sports agreements".

"Oh, that" he starts walking and I'm in charge of closing the door, I follow him to the kitchen while he takes stuff out from the shelves, some bags of chips and hot sauce from different kinds. "Sounds good, congrats in taking another step on it, but my question is: do you really want to do from tourney something important?".

"Ya don't think that I'll be a good professional tourney player?" comes out of my mouth without my entire permission while he stars eating.

"I mean, I know that you're pretty good in Prep and stuff, besides that there are recruiters that had been seeing you in the games more closely, you have won two championships, but I don't think it's an activity from where you can life of".

I look at him while he keeps eating, the crunching of the chips is almost as annoying as every one of his words, but I can't avoid from feeling that something is shrinking inside of me, the feeling is quite similar to the one that happens when dad gets disappointed from me, which happens all the time, but hearing those comments coming from him have a more negative connotation. It hurts most.

"It can happen an accident, some disease, something that won't let you…".

"Shut up already, you do better when you don't help me" I walk out the back door to the yard, and that's when I notice my hands made fists. It really hurt me.

* * *

 _ **IX**_

 _I need a little bit more_

 _I need a little bit more_

 _You gotta know what it's like_

 _I know you've been here before_

 _I've been waiting, I've been patient_

 _But I need a little bit more_

I move anxiously in my place and play with my food while I wait for him to decide to appear, he was supposed to arrive twenty minutes ago; I thought that having texted him a message with the words _We need to talk_ would make some difference. For me they have always been a set of terrifying words, for the implication of a serious talk, and I didn't really expect myself to use those words in a text message. I'm not sure of many things anymore, I need to tie up some ends.

I look up when a car parks in front of the restaurant, Harry is the driver and Carlos is his companion, my fork falls with a clatter to the floor and a waitress approaches to ask if I need another, I tell her to come back in a minute since they come in, Harry opens the door and Carlos pats him on the shoulder, they take separate ways and finally he comes to sit in front of me, and he even delays in that since he takes his cell phone to answer some messages.

"You know what I wanted, thanks, I'm starving".

"It's cold, I thought you'd be here sooner" I say, making him to look at me. The way he sighs reflects how annoying he feels, he blocks the screen and leaves the phone face down, then he crosses his arms and places his whole back on the seat, arching the right eyebrow and without taking his eyes off from me.

"I'm already here, aren't I?".

"I wish you aren't" I say, not looking away, and his face turns red.

"What exactly does that mean?" he laughs, amazed, but I know what to say.

"Since when did you and Harry become friends?" I still don't take my eyes off from him, now that his facial and body expression changes it is a tied end.

"After the party" I lower the attention to my plate. No one says another word.

* * *

 _ **X**_

"I love you, Jay" he says softly on a Saturday night, barely audible, as if it was a secret, or a forced compromise, and it can't happen being forced. It's done.

 _Don't say you miss me when you don't call_

 _Don't say you're hurting without the scars_

 _Don't promise me tonight without tomorrow too_

"Don't say you love me" I let go of his hand halfway down the street, I sigh and I stand in front of him to see into his eyes, noticing how hollow and shadowy they look even under the light of the pole, something that surely was already there but until now I give full consciousness, "unless you do".

His silence tells me what he really thinks, what he lives, what he feels, ratter what he doesn't feel, that's why I'm not surprised by the passage of time and the silence, nor that he turns around and walks without looking back, at me, without shrugging or at least stop to think things through; he was just waiting to receive a signal, a concession from me, and I just clung to something that wasn't there for who knows how long, not something that came from the two at least.

"I'm sorry" his last words, without one last kiss or one last look.

I have it clearer now: those were empty promises, things that said just to say. I turn around too and start walking on the cold streets, and even with tears falling down my cheeks I know I tried it hard, I struggled for him to see that main reason which united us in the first place, for a real feeling, but it wasn't strong enough on both sides, so I know what, today, is when I can accept my defeat, that I love him even though he doesn't, I'm not what he expected and he doesn't see me as someone with whom it is worth forming something that lasts.

I would like to say that I'm fine, that I can move on and that over time this wound will heal, but truth is that my chest is compressed and I have lost the desire to walk to get home, so I only climb a tree and let all my limbs to hang on the sides of the branch, I look up at the sky between the leaves, the full moon and all the stars seem to be my only companion while I put my arm over my eyes, filling my sleeve with tears, sobbing underneath and feeling for the first time what it is to have a broken heart.

* * *

 _ **THE END**_


End file.
